I’m gonna take a break from the horrors of Israel for a minute and do a bit of self reflection. The month of love (and my birthday) are upon us, so this is my palate cleanser post or something. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot left in the tank in regards to Israel and Palestine, but I’m going to let this horse rest peacefully…I’ll beat the next one as needed.
I believe deep within this chill, live and let live mind of mine lies a rude ass heckler. As soon as I came up with the title for this post, the inner voice of that heckler interrupted my train of thought with “yo who the f*ck cares” and I laughed to myself for a second. It’s not like I sit here having conversations with myself all day, but every now and then it happens. Never verbally though, that’s when you’re actually crazy…or whatever the politically correct term for crazy is these days. Those inner thoughts aside, I asked that question to myself just now and the answer is I don’t know.
My marbles are good
Now, this isn’t a case of amnesia or mental decline, I know my name and address. Don’t call the authorities on me so they can put me in a place force feeding me vanilla pudding and pills all day. That’s what I imagine happened in psychiatric hospitals when they were still called insane asylums. This is more of a question for other people probably. From the inside looking out, I’m a collection of adjectives, job titles and personality traits…no single category outweighing another. From the outside looking in, I’m a series of adjectives and personality traits dependent on my relationship with that on looker, some titles and categories definitely hold more weight than others.
I was talking to a friend of mine about my cousin one day and we see a similar person, but still different. To me, he’s funny as hell, a creep, and very much a nut case…to her, he’s funny, attention seeking, slightly weird and needy. Same guy. My take on him would have him slurping down pills and pudding until the cows came home, yet her version of him needs therapy and a hug. To be fair, I think we’re both right, and both wildly wrong at the same time. There’s no question that’s who he is to us, but there’s some sad soul out there that thinks he’s cool, intelligent and a joy to be around. I love him to death, but I would probably NEVER use these terms to describe him unless I’m testifying on his behalf. I will omit his name just in case I do have to testify on his behalf.
As long as my mirror works
With regard to “who we are” what version is even the most important? Is it how we see ourselves or how others see us? I am personally not all that concerned with how others see me, I try to be a good human objectively, but sometimes I’m an asshole out of necessity. Meanwhile, another nameless relative of mine lives and swears by her own image of herself, everyone else be damned. To the outside world, she is highly offensive, self-centered, and manipulative…based on my experience her and just about everyone we both know. If you asked her the question though, the very first term would be “child of God” followed by, caring, generous and selfless. Now, I don’t know ANYONE that would be able to corroborate her version of who she is. Sadly, if I had to testify under penalty of perjury, she’s probably gonna go to jail because I doubt that I’d be able to lie that well under pressure.
Maybe what’s important is what we do with how we’re perceived. If 90% of the people you know would categorize you a certain way, there’s a good chance that’s really how you are for better and worse. I think if my dad took a voice recorder with him to all of my report card days, it would sound like a new teacher covering the same hits, while I sang the exact same “I don’t know what they’re talking about” chorus each time. Except for my gym teachers, they loved me, and this one asshole that told my dad I cursed like a sailor. The nerve of this schmuck! I lived on the West Side of Chicago; I never heard a damn sailor in my life at that point. I digress.
Work in progress
Ultimately, I believe we could all use some self-awareness calibration. How often do we analyze the energy we give to the world? Most of us get caught up in the day to day and stressors of life that we don’t really factor in our impact. I don’t know how to accurately capture who I am because in addition to being different to others, I’m evolving as a person. The one thing I can say is, if you really want to know who I am, you’ll have to find out first hand…everyone is sainted when people discuss who they were when they’re gone, even the crazies.