Valentine’s Day is upon us, which means I have thoughts on relationships that won’t go over well 😁

Sometimes it’s funny looking back on what I used to think was wisdom but turned out to be mostly bullshit. Yup, right out the gate with the cuss words, but it’s not going to be too wild of a post this week. I think the cool thing about being young and well-adjusted was the amount of optimism I had for no good reason at all. I read books back then and subconsciously thought “there might be some truth to this” simply because it was in a published book. Don’t get me wrong, I was still skeptical about some things, but hoping for the best and getting just about nothing was usually the standard. Add in the feelings of a young lady and I was reading and going along with a lot of stuff that I can look back now and laugh at myself.

I remember the very first time my ex-girlfriend asked me what my love language was. It was a concept I never heard of and frankly didn’t understand why she was asking me. My response was “English I guess since I’m already good with it, but I’d love to learn French and Spanish”. She looked at me like I shat out of my mouth and said “no stupid”. Sensing the lack of acceptance for my answer I asked if she meant Romance Languages. In my mind girls confused love with romance all the time so why not now. She laughed at me for a minute then finally explained these 5 love languages to me. I gave her the “ooooohhhhh I see” response because I knew that this was another crock of shit that she bought into and I’d play along with for sex. 

Going through the motions

The idea of love languages has been sent my way so many times by women. However, I was talking with one of my buddies, he’s still in the playing along phase of the love languages thing…he may have bought in though. He told me what his love languages are (physical touch and acts of service) and what his lady believes hers are (words of affirmation and gifts). He said he just gives her a little compliment whether he means it or not and keeps it moving, and he pays all the bills. She in return does all the cooking and cleaning in the house and every blue moon drops some unsolicited oral sex his way. His side piece’s love language is gifts which to him is easier, because on the low end it’s a 1 for 1 exchange for physical touch, depending on the gift though, he can get 8 or 9 touches. 

I’m not fluent

There may be a few of you that believe in love languages, that’s cool…I’m not fluent in them nor an expert, just an asshole with a website. That said, here’s the unfiltered Cliff Notes of my take on the concept of love languages. It’s a great scheme to sell books and products, nothing more, maybe less. I know at least 1 person is like “yup, Mr. Lack of Emotions is back” but I can assure you this is coming from a place of concern. The dictionary version of love is right here but like most words, we all have our own little twist when we freestyle the meaning. No matter how any individual defines it, from experience, all of us above the age of 25 know it to be a strong attraction that makes or has made us do dumb stuff because of it. 

In practice and likely the best-case scenarios, these “languages” become a quid pro quo in disguise. Person A feels loved when they spend quality time with their partner. Person B feels loved when they receive words of affirmation. The people go out to an event, Person A is excited, they in turn hype Person B up “damn baby, you are wearing the hell out of that” mission complete, both parties feel loved or at least should feel loved in that moment. The addition of 1 realistic element can and will derail everything at some point…expectations. Let’s say it has been a few pay periods since they spent quality time doing what Person A wants to do, but Person B was given compliments on their fragrances and outfits every day. Whether it is expressly stated or not, Person A expects theirs…but they want it to come naturally of course. In the event that it doesn’t, or just doesn’t come in a timely manner, that becomes a point of contention because Person A also expects Person B to know better. Person B may feel like the last time they spent quality time in the way Person A prefers, it cost them 4 paychecks worth of disposable cash, so they need to recover. 

How do you express love?

Ultimately, I don’t believe love is expressed in any of those ways. I think it’s expressed in mutual respect and admiration…both of which are free and ever present. Because of this mutual respect and admiration, you may do things that your partner would enjoy, but doing these things is not to express love, rather show appreciation. We live in a place where opinions, especially ones that appeal to certain groups, get treated as fact. As a result, people buy into concepts such as love languages because “Love” seems very complex and it’s easier to have 5 simple options. We numb ourselves to the nuance and instead focus on the “fun parts” because they’re fun of course. After thousands of dollars in gifts, quality time, sex toys, hours spent providing service or giving insincere compliments many relationships are still on shaky ground. 

Still an asshole, but with a good point

I could be an asshole, lazy or truly on to something…possibly all three. I think many people start diving into “love languages” before they actually develop love for their partner. What does a good friend have to do to prove or reinforce that they love you? How often do you need to be reminded by them? Nothing and never, y’all just know. When that dude or chick you’re with starts acting up, they got your back regardless. It’s been 8 months since y’all spoke, so what, that just means a marathon conversation when you do speak, no love lost at all. That’s love…mutual respect, genuine and not based on superficial conditions. Sure, I can like and ultimately not like someone later on, but if I ever truly loved a person, I still do whether I like them or not. I guess I’m just weird like that. Happy Valentine’s Day, enjoy some chocolate and dying flowers 😆